Ever Hear the One...

“You can’t be serious.”

“Why not?”

“There’s no way that she’d go home with you.”

“What makes you say that?”

“Well…look at you.”

“Fuck you too.”

Sean looked from behind the bar at David and Andrew. They’d been coming into his bar every Thursday like clockwork for the last three years. A couple of scotch on the rocks each, a few requests for some bar tricks or a joke, and then they were on their way. They were yuppies without a sense of humor, but they tipped well.

Their conversations usually ran from women, to politics, to work, to sports, and then back to women. Neither was married, and there was little question as to why.

“Hey Sean! Sean! Show us a trick. Something we haven’t seen yet.” Sean laughed, shaking his head.

“I think you’ve seen all of my tricks Andrew. Hell, I think David’s seen most of them twice.” The two laughed, nudging each other in the ribs.

“Ok then, tell us a joke.”

“Do you want a clean one or a dirty one?” The two men looked at each other, sharing the silent communication that friends develop over the years.

“Dirty.”

Sean sighed again, dry washing his hands on a towel stuck in his back pocket.

“Alright. A priest, a rabbi, and a horse walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says: ‘What is this, a joke?’”

David and Andrew looked at each other, then Sean.

“That wasn’t dirty Sean.”

“I know, just getting warmed up. Ok, now for the dirty one.”

“Three dogs are sitting in the pound. The first dog turns to the second one and asks him what he’s in for. The dog replies that his master had left him locked inside the house all day, during which time he had pissed, shit, chewed on furniture, and generally destroyed the house. Now he was in the pound, waiting to get the needle. Giving the second dog his condolences, the first dog move onto the third dog.”

Sean paused to pour David and Andrew a couple more drinks. They always thought his jokes were funnier if they’d had more to drink.

“So, the first dog asks the third dog what he’s in for. The third dog replies that his master had left him locked up in the backyard all day, during which time he had pissed, shit, dug up the yard, and generally destroyed the backyard. Now he was sitting here in the pound, awaiting the needle. Again, the first dog gave his condolences.

“Now, the second and third dog turned to the first dog, asking him what he was in for. The first dog told them that his master, a woman, walked around the house all day, buck naked. Well, one day, she bent over to pick up some trash, and being a horny dog, he fucked the shit out of her. Then here he was, in the pound.

“The second and third dog were amazed, almost in awe. ‘You’re getting the needle for that? Wow,’ the second dog said.

“’The needle?’ the first dog replied, ‘I’m just here to get my nails clipped.’”

Sean waited, looking at David and Andrew, preparing for the laughter.

“I don’t get it.”

“Of course you don’t. You’re an idiot.”

“Shut up Andrew. You don’t get it either.”

Sean’s jaw hit the floor, shocked as David and Andrew paid their tab and walked out the door, still arguing over the point of the joke.

Raindrops Keep Falling on my Head

The familiar pop of a cork coming free of the bottle and Alan smiled. Forty-five years and I still get as giddy as a school girl when I open a bottle of wine. You’d think I was still nineteen and stealing bottles out of my mom’s liquor cabinet, not on my second liver.

The merlot flowed into the glass as the rain began to fall, a few small drops escaping over the brim of the glass to fall on the counter in a Rorschach like design. It looks like my mothers head on a stick. Alan chuckled at that mental image, taking his glass of wine and heading for the living room, leaving the spill on the counter.

“That had better not have been a bottle opening I heard!” Sarah’s voice broke the silence that Alan had been enjoying, and he winced ever so slightly.

“No dear, you must be hearing things again!” he replied, taking a sip of the red wine with a slight chuckle. Settling back into the recliner he did his best to relax, trying to let the last few days wash over him. The pitter-patter of rain on the windows was soon joined by the rumbling of thunder in the distance. I wonder what’s for dinner?

“Have you heard anything about that job from Steve?” Again Sarah’s voice shot into the silence. Lightning crashed outside, lighting up the room for a fraction of a second.

“No Sarah, he said he wouldn’t know anything until Tuesday.”

“You should call him anyways.” Thunder rolled again, this time louder, closer than before. Another sip of the merlot, trying to calm himself before he went upstairs and got into another shouting match with her.

“He said he’d call on Tuesday and that’s when he’ll call. I don’t want to bother him at home. It’s late!” The room lit up again, the lightning followed quickly by the thunder. The storm was on top of them now.

Alan drained the glass as he stood, making his way back to the counter and the bottle of wine with the splash next to it. He cocked his head to the side, taking another look at the splash pattern. It still looked like a head on a stick, but maybe it wasn’t his mother’s.

“Alan!” He quickly ignored the rest, the sound of wine filling a glass the only sound he was concerned with. No splashes this time. Not bothering to make his way back to the living room Alan simply stood at the counter and drained the glass. Again Sarah shouted his name, and again he ignored her for the pouring of wine. Another glass drained.

“Alan! Please come up here! I need your help!” What about what I need woman? Like some damned peace and quiet.

The stairs seemed to shift a little bit as Alan started to climb them. He thought they were trying to trip him up, stop him from doing what he really, truly wanted to do…but that might have just been the wine.

“Alan! Are you coming Alan?!”

I’m coming woman. But it’s not you I’m going to help.

The door was already open, Sarah standing at the window, trying to pull it closed. That window always got stuck, no matter how many times he told her not to open it.

“I can’t get this window closed and it’s raining outside like the second coming of the Great Flood.” Alan took the few steps across the room towards Sarah and the window, trying not to let her see him sway, not wanting to hear the lecture about his drinking, his liver, and what the doctor had said.

He reached for the window, wanting to just close the window and go back downstairs to his bottle of wine. Sarah was talking again, but he wasn’t listening anymore. The thunder was right over the house, a small puddle forming on the floor by the window from the pounding rain. Alan started to reach for the window, then paused. He turned, hands still raised, and lunged for his wife.

Lightning lit the room as a thousand light bulbs, Sarah’s hands beating against his large barrel chest and arms as his fingers closed around her throat. Thunder crashed outside in time to her beating heals on the floor. Time seemed to slow down, but then it was over, and Sarah’s body soon lay on the floor.

Turning from the window and the body Alan headed back towards the stairs, the storm outside passing, a cool breeze coming in through the window. I wonder how much wine I left in that bottle.

BlackJack

Alex shuffled the deck of cards in his hands, first tossing them from one hand to the next, then splitting the deck and folding them into each other with that oh so familiar slapping sound. Reaching into his pocket he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and his Zippo lighter. It was a filthy habit and he knew it, but somehow, Alex just couldn’t make it through the day without at least one cigarette. Snapping open the lighter and flicking it ablaze in one smooth motion, he lit the cigarette, snapping the lighter closed and shoving it back in his pocket, enjoying that first drag of nicotine goodness.

A few more rounds of shuffling and the cards were how he liked them, not that what he liked had mattered for much as of late, but that didn’t matter now, it was just him and the cards. A simple flick of his wrist sent the first two cards to the table in front of himself, landing face up and spreading out; the queen of diamonds and the king of hearts.

Don’t you draw the queen of diamonds boy; she’ll beat you if she’s able. You know the queen of hearts is always your best bet. Don Henley had warned men everywhere about the queen of diamonds, but this desperado hadn’t listened to that advice. Well, that was a year and a half of his life that he was never going to get back. Damned woman.

More cards started to join the first two on the table; the deuce of diamonds and the ace of diamonds, followed by the four of spades. Seventeen…not a bad hand. The five of hearts and the ace of hearts followed quickly, and were quickly joined by the six of diamonds. Bust. Can’t win ‘em all. The king and jack of clubs. Twenty.

The next two cards to hit the table made Alex smile. The king of diamonds and the queen of hearts. Don said the queen of hearts was the best bet, too bad he wasn’t the king of diamonds. His brother sure had money. Hell, Michael had more money than he knew what to do with. And he certainly had the queen of hearts. Sheila was a great woman, nothing like Leslie. She didn’t nag, didn’t complain, and certainly didn’t sleep around with every guy that she came into contact with while professing her undying love for you. No, Sheila was nothing like Leslie. Damned woman.

The ten of hearts and the nine of clubs hit the table next, followed by the four of diamonds, the ten of diamonds, and the seven of spades. Two good hands in a row. Not bad at all. Unfortunately, those two hands were followed by three bust hands so quickly that Alex knew the luck had been fleeting, and only there as a teasing reminder that he was only lucky when he was by himself.

A bit of ash falling onto the table and cards drew him back to the here and now. Looking at the cigarette in his mouth it realized that it was half gone, and all the ash was on the table and his lap, which is not where it belonged. Cursing himself for letting his mind wander, Alex stood up, brushing off his pants, looking around for the ashtray that he hadn’t brought with him. Cursing again he tossed down two more cards, the jack and ace of spades. Black jack. With a laugh he turned and left, in search of that blasted ashtray.

Movie Time

Alex looked around the cell, scrubbing a hand through his dark, shaggy hair, the other three men looking back at him smiling sheepishly. I can’t believe I let myself get in with these idiots.

“Alex, I’m really sorry…” Stephen started to say, but Alex raised his hand, cutting him off.

“If you talk again, I’m more than a little confident that I will reach across the cell and choke the life out of your body Stephen,” Alex replied, trying to keep his voice from rising and screaming at him.

“Boomer, Alex. My name is Boomer.” Stephen’s very bad British accent grated on Alex’s nerves.

“YOUR NAME IS STEPHEN! You are not Basher, or Left-Ear, or any of these other characters that you’ve seen in the movies! You’re not Mos Def or Don Cheadle! You’re a white guy from NEW JERSEY!” Alex’s chest was heaving from this bout of shouting, not his first one, probably not the last bout either.

“Hey! Calm down in there convicts!” The guard shouted from down the hall, not bothering to even come down and yell at them unless he heard them killing each other.

“Alex, it’s not all his fault you know,” David stood up, walking over to his friend, trying to calm him down.

“Not his fault? It’s completely his fault! If you had stopped him from watching Ocean’s 11 and The Italian Job like I told you to, we wouldn’t be here right now,” Alex just managed not to shout at his old friend.

“Don’t you think that’s a little unfair Alex?” Daniel had decided to join the conversation.

“No, Daniel, I don’t think that’s unfair. You were there, you remember what happened. Not like this was ten years ago. It was last night!” Alex sighed, dropping his head into his hands.

*

Alex sat in his apartment, watching the New York Football Giants lose to the Dallas Cowboys. The phone was ringing in the background, but he refused to answer it. The four messages on his answering machine didn’t make him want to pick up the phone.

“Alex, it’s David. I know you’re there and that you can here this. I’m out in Beverly Hills and I’ve got some work for us. Give me a call as soon as you here this. My number is …” Alex blanked out the number, having no desire to call his old friend back. He knew what kind of work David was referring to and had been hoping to avoid resorting to that kind of “employment.”

Another hour of watching the Giants lose, and the phone rang again, this time Alex decided to answer it, the stack of bills next to the phone finally managing to sway his convictions.

“Alex, glad to finally catch you. I was thinking I might have some work right up your alley.” David was his usual jovial self, always smiling, always making everything into a joke.

“Well I appreciate that David. I’m sure you know that I’ve been having a hard time finding work out here in New York. What kind of work did you have in mind?” He already knew, but this little song and dance was something they went through every time David called him with another “job” opportunity.

“It’s not something I feel really comfortable talking about over the phone Alex. Why don’t you take a flight out here and we can see the sights, talk some business, maybe find ourselves a couple of pretty young ladies looking to have a good time. It’ll be like Vegas, only without the cross-dresser.”

“I don’t know David, I have a feeling that this will end up exactly like Vegas.” Alex walked around his apartment, phone in hand, already grabbing a few things to throw in a suitcase while they talked. He always said no at first, and he always said yes in the end.

“I’m sending you out some tickets Alex. They’ll be there tomorrow. Good seats, first class. Come on out, you can see the family, Stephen’s back in town, and we can have some laughs. No pressure. Promise.” Alex sighed, shaking his head at nobody in particular, then nodded it, also at nobody in particular.

“Alright David. I’ll come out. But if this ends up with either one of us in drag again, I’m never speaking to you again.”

*

“Daniel, take that dress off!” Alex shouted, raising his head for a moment, before dropping it back down into his hands.

“Umm, I don’t have anything else to wear Alex,” Daniel mumbled, looking to David and Stephen for some support. They both just shrugged and laughed a little.

“Well you should have thought of that before you let yourself be talked into wearing it. That would have been a good idea, eh genius boy?” Alex didn’t even bother to raise his head for this round of berating, knowing it would just make Daniel cry if he had to look him in the eye.

“C’mon Alex, at least it was fun getting here,” David tried to put a good spin on what was happening here. Alex did raise his head to look him in the eye, hoping to make him cry. Not that David ever cried.

“Ok, so maybe it wasn’t all that fun, but you did get to see my mother again, and she did miss you.” Alex’s head found his hands again. He thought about crying.

*

The flight out to California was first class all the way, and Alex was a bit tipsy when he got off the plane. Dealing with David and his job offers was always easier with a little bit of a buzz.

“Alex, so good of you to make it. I take it the flight was good?” David came out of nowhere from the crowd and took Alex’s bags, Stephen on the other side of him, grinning that stupid grin of his.

“It was great, thanks for the seats. So where are we headed?” Alex watched David look at Stephen and then back to himself.

“Beverly Hills.” David quickly switched Alex’s bag from one hand to the other as his friend went to snatch it back.

“Are you crazy? Beverly Hills? People spend more on their cars then I spent on my house, and then they spend even more on the security to keep it all safe.” Alex made another grab for his bag, but David still managed to keep it away from him, still moving out towards the parking deck.

“You worry too much Alex. We’re not going to bother any of the nice citizens of Beverly Hills at their homes…” Alex breathed a sigh of relief, relaxing a little bit. “We’re going to go and bother Harry Winston Jewelers.” David quickened his step, taking him just ahead of Alex and closer to the parking deck.

“WHAT!? David, are you completely out of your mind? Harry Winston? Do you know what will happen to us if we get caught?” Alex was trying not to scream. Screaming in airports got you cavity searches, but it was getting real hard.

“That’s why we won’t let ourselves get caught. Feel better about it now?” Stephen laughed at David’s comment, moving to unlock the car and open the trunk for Alex’s bag.

“Geez, why didn’t you just say that in the beginning? I’d feel so much better about the fact that we’re going to prison.” Sarcasm had always been Alex’s friend, and they were quickly becoming reacquainted around David and Stephen.

“You’re always so pessimistic Alex. Trust David, he’s never let you down yet has he?” Stephen took Alex’s bag from David, tossing it in the trunk.

“Stephen…” Alex turned to the younger man, rubbing his eyes with one hand.

“Actually, I go by Boomer now.”

“Boomer?”

“Boomer.”

“David, I told you he wasn’t allowed to watch Ocean’s 11 anymore. And stop with the stupid British accent Stephen, you’re from New Jersey.” Alex brushed past Stephen and David to get in the car, claiming shotgun like it was his birth-right.

The drive to their hotel in Beverly Hills was quiet and awkward, reminding Alex of his junior prom. The hotel room was nice: two bedrooms, three beds, a pull-out sofa, small kitchenette. It was more than enough for the three of them, but then, when they stepped inside, they were no longer three.

“Daniel, it’s been a while. Your mother still dressing you?” Alex tried to hide the contempt from his voice. He hated Momma’s Boys.

“Mother tries to make sure I’m presentable. You know I’d be a wreck if I was left to my own devices,” Daniel tried to put some bass in his voice, but it just wasn’t in him as he dry washed his hands on the front of his pressed chinos.

“Right, you’re a wuss. Got it.” Alex turned back to David and Stephen. “I’m taking a nap, and when I wake up, we’re going to discuss exactly what you think we’re going to be doing.” Before they could even answer, Alex had snatched up his bag and gone into the bedroom with the single bed, closed the door, and flopped into the bed, asleep not even five minutes later.

*

“Hey, convicts, your lawyer is here.” The guard banged his stick against the bars, trying to act like Denzel Washington even when he looked like Don Knotts.

“Lawyer?” Alex looked at David and Stephen, both of whom shrugged back at him.

“Hello Daniel. I see you’re still hanging out with the same bad element.” That voice, the condescending one that every boy knows until he makes his mother know that he’s not six years old again. Unless of course that boy was Daniel.

“Hello Mother.” Alex and David both groaned, David joining Alex on the small bench, dropping his head into his hands as well.

“Daniel, how many times have I told you that hanging out with these hooligans was going to end with you in jail? You’re far too smart to be trying to steal diamonds for a living.” Daniel’s mother crossed her arms over her chest, tapping her foot in that special way that only a mother can manage.

“I know Mother, I’m too smart to be hanging out with these hooligans, but is there any chance that you could bail us out of here, and that we could discuss this at home?” Daniel walked towards the bars, sticking one arm through, trying to take her hand in his.

“Yes well, this time you’re on your own Daniel. I’m done trying to keep you out of trouble. I just wanted to come and let you know that. Good-bye son.” She turned and walked out, head held high, her steps quick and somehow conveying her unhappiness.

“We’re so screwed.” Daniel’s head banged against the bars, his arm still stuck through.

*

The nap did nothing to make Alex feel better about the conversation that he knew was only going to give him a few more grey hairs. A shower and shave found him sitting on the couch, Daniel, David, and Stephen standing in front of him like they were about to present a new product to potential investors.

“The job itself will be easy. Daniel and myself will go in before hand as a couple looking to purchase some jewelry. Of course Daniel will have on a camera so that we can map the place out, and once we have that video, we can plan the best way to get in. It’ll be real easy, in and out so quick they’ll never even know we were there until we’re half way to Mexico.” David smiled, so self-assured. He knew this plan was fool-proof.

“A couple? I know this is California, but I’m not sure anybody is going to buy you two as a gay couple,” Alex smiled, pretty sure he knew where this was about to go.

“Well, Daniel’s going to have to wear a dress. We couldn’t find one that would fit me. Besides, the one we did find will bring out those baby blues of his.” David nudged Daniel, chuckling.

“Thanks David, really appreciate that.” Daniel managed a smile, obviously uncomfortable with the idea of wearing a dress.

“It’s so nice to be working with proper villains again.” Everybody looked to Stephen.

“No more Ocean’s 11 for you, and that’s final.”

*

“You really do look terrible in that dress Daniel. David lied to you, it does nothing for your eyes.” Alex tried not to laugh at the younger man, a bit of smeared lipstick making him look more like a clown than a man in drag.

“Yeah well, me in a dress isn’t the reason we’re in here, now is it Stephen?”

“Boomer guys, it’s Boomer.” Again he managed to whine with a very bad British accent.

“SHUT UP STEPHEN!” Alex, Daniel, and David all yelled at the same time.

*

The recon went fine, though they had to stick Daniel in flats unless they wanted him to break an ankle. Three hours later and a sprained ankle despite the flats and they had the video they needed.

“We’ve got to do this quick. Like tonight quick.” David was looking over the video with Daniel, shaking his head a bit.

“Don’t you think that’s a bit soon? We’ve got to plan more, make sure we have all the angles covered. We don’t do this right and we’re going to prison. I don’t like prison, and you might not be, but I’m much too pretty to be some large man’s bitch.” Alex stood up and moved over to Daniel and David.

“You worry too much, you know that mate?” Stephen was sipping some tea, a crumpet he found somewhere on a small plate.

“SHUT UP STEPHEN!” Alex yelled at him almost without thinking.

“It’ll be easy Alex. Stephen, you, and I will go in through the roof, while Daniel is outside making sure that all the cameras show only what we want them to. If the police find out we’re in there, he’ll let us know before they even get close, and we’ll get out of there. No worries.” David leaned back in his chair, hands going behind his head, green eyes dancing with amusement. So self-assured.

“I’m not going to convince you that this is a bad idea, am I?” Alex shook his head, already knowing the answer.

“Nope, it’s not a bad idea and we’re going to make so much money when we pull this off. It’s Harry Winston Alex. They’ve got more diamonds than anybody in Beverly Hills.”

Alex shook his head again, chuckling because he knew he was about to agree to this no matter how stupid it sounded.

“One peep from the cops and we’re out and in another county. That’s the only way I agree to this.”

“Done. That was easier than I thought it would be. You’re getting soft Alex.” David laughed as he stood up and gave Alex a pat on the back.

“I hate you so much. You know that right?” Alex couldn’t help but laugh himself. He was pretty sure they were going to end up in prison, but at least it was going to be fun getting there.

*

“I still hate you by the way. And you’re very much not getting a Christmas present from me this year.” Alex managed to raise his head from his hands just long enough to shoot David an annoyed look.

“You don’t hate me. If not for me you’d still be in New York watching the Giants and Yankees suck. You should thank me for keeping your life interesting. Besides, you’d miss me if I didn’t call you once in a while.”

“Oh yeah, the same way I miss getting a prostate exam once a year.” Alex’s head found his hands again. They were becoming close friends.

*

The van was parked across the street from the store, Daniel still in his dress for some reason that he couldn’t quite give to the others. Grey being the new black, Alex, David, and Stephen were all dressed in varying shades of grey, repelling harnesses already on, each with rope and a bag full of equipment slung over their shoulders.

“Once we’re inside, we have thirty minutes to get what we can and get out. We don’t take anything that we can’t lift from the sales floor, and we don’t break any glass. Understand Stephen?” David looked right at the younger man, who looked away sheepishly.

“I understand David.”

“Good. Now, once we’re on the roof, Daniel will let us know when to go. We repel down, fill our bags, and climb back out. It’ll be like taking candy from a baby.”

Forty-five minutes later found Alex, David, and Stephen on the roof, Stephen more than a little out of breath.

“Alright, I’m going to open up the skylight, Alex, you find a spot to secure our lines to. And make sure it’s something sturdy, I want to repel, not sky-dive.” David turned, already pulling tools out of his pack to open up the skylight.

Another ten minutes and they had their opening, lines secured, and ready to drop into their own little diamond heaven.

“Alright Daniel, kill the security. I don’t want any pressure sensors, silent alarms, or cameras.” David motioned to Alex and Daniel, letting them know it was safe to repel down.

The three men made it down the ropes without incident, touching down softly, no pressure sensors being tripped. Daniel had managed to do his job rather well. Before them lay a sales floor with so much ice you would think you’d need ice skates just to cross it. Alex couldn’t help but whistle through his teeth.

“There’s enough money here to support a small country for years.” Stephen’s eyes were as big as saucers.

“We’re in Daniel, pull the truck around back. Let us know when it’s time to leave.” David looked to the other two, smiled, and nodded. It was time to go shopping.

The three men went in different directions, each using whatever tricks he knew to get the cases open without breaking the glass. It wasn’t long before they each had very heavy sacks pulling at their backs.

“Alright guys, I think we’ve got more than enough to support ourselves for quite some time. Let’s get back up those ropes and get out of here.” David cinched his bag shut, heading back to the ropes, smiling all the way.

“Hey, what’s in here? I’ll bet this is where they keep the good stuff.” David and Alex turned to look at Stephen, who was standing in front of a very large safe.

“That’s the safe Stephen. The safe that we said we would not be touching.” David waved him over, more than ready to be out and on their way.

“Oh c’mon. I’ll bet I can get it open in two seconds.” Stephen reached around into his bag, quickly pulling out a block that looked like nothing so much as a small, square piece of grey molding clay. He pushed it onto the safe, sticking two cords coming out of his bag into it, then running away and diving behind a desk.

“David, tell me that’s not what I think it…” Alex turned to his friend, and was then pushed into him as the explosion took him off his feet and launched him towards the other wall, with David along for the ride.

The ringing in his ears gave him an idea of how bad it was. The layer of debris on top of him confirmed his suspicions. Alex managed to climb out from under the layers of rubble that had been dropped on him.

“David, you alive?”

“Yeah, I’m alive. Is Stephen? If not, I’m going to kill him.”

“David! Alex! What was that noise?” Daniel came across loud through their ear pieces, somehow having managed not to be destroyed.

“It was Stephen. Who let him have plastic explosives?” David answered, pushing himself up to a sitting position.

“Stephen! Are you alive?!” Alex started making his way towards the last place he remembered seeing Stephen.

“David, the cops are on their way. They’re going to be here any minute now. What do you want me to do?” Daniel was starting to hyper-ventilate.

“Get out of here, we’ll find our own way out. No point in all of us being caught.”

“Stephen! Where are you?! David, I can’t find Stephen.”

“I’m here!” a voice from under a pair of tables drew both men. They quickly managed to dig him out, and then had to fight over who would strangle him first.

“Guys! I didn’t think it would be so bad. It’s never that bad in the movies.”

“You used plastic explosives on a jewel store safe! That’s so far beyond overkill that I don’t know where to start!” Alex shoved David to the side, his hands reaching for Stephens throat.

Sirens surrounded them, and the cops were soon piling into the store, pulling Alex and David off of Stephen before they could kill him. Daniel had been stopped just down the road, and all of them had been thrown in a cell together.

*

“I’m not sure how many times I can say I’m sorry, but I’m sorry.” Stephen squeaked out another apology, flinching against a possible attack.

“Don’t speak Stephen. Don’t even look at me.” Alex still hadn’t managed to lift his head from his hands. They were getting along well, no need to break them up.

“Seriously guys, I’d really like to be called Boomer…”

The guard down the hall didn’t even bother to go down to the cell this time. It was at least the third time that one of them had attacked the weird kid with the bad British accent in the last 24 hours, and since they hadn’t managed to kill him yet, he wasn’t too worried that they would now.

A Walk

I close my eyes and step outside. The bite of the wind instantly makes me wish that I had brought a jacket with me, but I quickly decide that there’s no point to going back for one, this won’t be a long walk.

When was the last time you took a walk with Sarah? C’mon Jack, it wouldn’t hurt you to give her a call. You used to have fun taking long walks with her on the beach, through the city, hell, even when you stepped on that pile of horse shit in the park it was still a good time.

My body shivering forces me to open my eyes, but the high winds and bright sun force me to squint, making me look angry. Everybody looks angry when they’re squinting. I wrap my arms around my body, trying to generate a little bit of warmth, and debate going back for my jacket for the second time in about thirty seconds, but again I realize that this won’t be a very long walk.

“C’mon Jack, let me borrow your jacket. It’s cold outside and I’m freezing.”

“Should have brought your own Sarah. No fair stealing mine so that I get frostbite and you don’t.”

“I’d loan you mine if you were cold.”

“Yeah, and then where would we be?”

I glance at my watch, wondering if I should bother making lunch plans. It’s almost 3 o’clock, and it’s not that long until the dinner hour. I think it’s a steak night. Yeah, steak and potatoes, with lots of fat on the steak. You only live once right? I can’t help but chuckle at that thought, shaking my head at my own sense of humor. At least I think I’m funny.

“What are you making for dinner Jack? If it’s steak and potatoes again I swear I’ll throw something at your head.”

“No, it’s not steak and potatoes…it’s potatoes and steak. Completely different. Promise.”

“You can have the steak, but no potatoes. If you keep eating that many potatoes you’re going to turn into one.”

“I will not. And besides, I’d rather be a potato than a cucumber or a carrot, or something stupid like that. People like potatoes, and if I was a human potato, just think of how much more people would like me.”

“You’re an idiot.”

I pass a man washing the windows of some office building and he looks at me sorta funny, even though I waved and wished him a good day. There’s just no decency in people any more. So much road rage could be avoided if people were just nicer to each other. Reaching into my pocket I pull out a piece of gum, turning around to offer the window washer a piece, but he’s not looking at me anymore, too fixated on something on the other side of his precious window. Oh well.

“I can’t believe how rude that guy was.”

“I know. That guy was really rude to you Jack. He cut you off, not the other way around. All you did was honk your horn for a second and he gives you the finger.”

“Don’t worry about it Sarah. It’s not worth getting worked up over.”

“You don’t get worked up about anything, do you?”

“Not if I don’t have to.”

Sirens screaming by on the streets add to the sound pollution that plagues this city, causing small children to scream and nearby dogs to bark. I watch the fire truck and ambulance go by, only to see them stop at the corner, the people inside of both vehicles piling out and running towards me. I look the other way, trying to figure out what the emergency is, but all I see are a handful of police cars, officers standing beside them, some talking on their radios. Weird.

“I haven’t seen you in a while, almost feels like you’ve been avoiding me. Is there something wrong?”

“Nothing wrong Jack, it’s just that…I don’t know that I see this going anywhere. I mean, I love the time we spend together; movies, dinners, lunches, the walks…but I don’t feel like I’m connecting to you. It’s like you’re keeping a part of you away from me.”

“I’m not trying to hold back, I’ve just never been very good at opening up. Not even sure that I can blame that on distant parents since you’ve met them.”

“See, and you always turn everything into a joke. I love to laugh Jack, but sometimes, it’s time to be serious.”

“I know, sorry. Coping mechanism?”

“That’s not going to cut it. I need to know that I’m appreciated. That you care about me. That you want to be with me. I’m not getting that, and until I feel like I’m going to, I don’t think I can see you anymore.”

“Please don’t do this Sarah.”

“I’m sorry Jack, but I need to do this as much for myself as for us. Good-bye.”

I hate the word “good-bye,” it seems so…final. What ever happened to “see you later,” or “until we meet again,” or even “catch you on the flip-side” ? Everything has to be so final and I don’t understand why.

A swirl of auburn hair and a familiar voice draw me away from the police cars. I have to close my eyes and open them again to make sure that I’m not seeing things. It’s Sarah, and she’s pointing at me, saying something, though I can’t hear her with those damned sirens.

I motion to her that I can’t hear what she’s saying, trying to remind her that I’m heading her way anyways. She just keeps waving her hands, shouting something. I shake my head…I’ll be there in a minute.

“Sarah? I know you’re there, and I know that you’re listening to this. I just hope that we can work this out. Just give me a call. Please.”

“C’mon Sarah, this is stupid. Pick up the phone so we can work this out. We’ll go for a walk in the park. It’ll be nice. Call me back.”

“It’s been two weeks, and while I do enjoy talking to your answering machine, I don’t see that relationship going anywhere. Give me a call so we can talk about our relationship.”

“Fuck you Sarah. I hope you fall off a building.”

A pair of police officers grab Sarah, pulling her away from the sidewalk. I start to shout at them, waving them away form her, but they don’t listen, only look at me and pull her farther back from the sidewalk. I hear Sarah scream as the ground rushes up to meet me, and I greet it with a warm hello.

Here's the Thing

Ok, so the title is a reference to my other blog, but I thought do it anyways. I'm going to be using this blog to post up stories and poetry that I write, either on my own or for classes. I welcome any and all feedback, so please, leave me your thoughts.

Thanks
George Perry